• Oliver Messner

The grocery run

Updated: Jan 19

Its not a big secret that I've never been a fan of shopping in any way, type or form. From an early age it was delegated to the "holy crap, this is sooo freaking boring", category and will remain there for many years to come. It always seems to get really old, really fast, no matter what I'm looking for and in an ideal world I'd have an employee, or better yet, some form of magical little imp-like creature, that would sort out, organize and get whatever it was that I needed.


Unfortunately I am neither rich, nor do I dabble in the dark magical arts of minion summoning. So it falls to me, like it or not, to organize my own stuff. I've found that the best way to go about a grocery run is to get it over and done with as fast as humanly possible. The conditions have to be just right and if they are, I can complete a solo munch-run in under ten minutes. This, of course, does in no way whatsoever work when the kids are along for the ride and while they do make shopping runs less boring, they also make them much more stressful. That's why my wife and I try to avoid taking them with us whenever possible.


Last week's grocery run was one of those times when the powers-that-be once again went out of their way, as they so often do and conspired against me. My folks were busy, so there was no other alternative but to take the ankle biters along with us. We didn't need to get anything major, as we had done the big shop the week before and as such, under normal circumstances, this should have been a quick and easy undertaking. It started off badly from the get go as I realized that I did not have any cash on me whatsoever. Not even a single coin to temporarily liberate a shopping trolley from it's shackles and take it for a stroll . That wheeled, basket like cage, that not only makes transporting your goods around a breeze but also moonlights as a impromptu enclosure for keeping my youngest, e.g. el Demonio,


penned up and out of trouble, at least for a while. I looked at my wife, obvious hopelessness etched unto my features and she returned the look with one mirroring my own, even going so far as to shed a small tear in the process.

Knowing all to well about what was about to transpire, we both took a deep, resigned breath, asked the little one to please try her best to behave, grabbed a basket each and entered the supermarket aka. "The Temple of Utter Boredom".


As soon as the doors closed behind us, the little one tore her hand out of mine, using her uncanny, mutant-power-like ability to spontaneously secrete a slippery substance at will and shot off, heading for the first display isle, waving and shouting a hearty "ELLO, OW YOU" at a random stranger. Without missing a step, high fiving him on the way past and touching everything in reach on her mad dash to her destination. This happened to be about a dozen rolls and a loaf of bread, which I dutifully bagged and added to my basket, although we didn't actually need any.


My wife took her by the hand and we proceeded down the aisles, with the little one employing the slippery hand trick more than once, running left and right, touching everything she could lay her grabbers on, shouting the name of whatever product momentarily occupied her attention at the top if her lungs. It does all get a bit much at times but is, in all honesty, extremely cute and funny.


She has a zest for life that is amazing to watch and gets us and other people to LOL all the time. I can't help but smile when she loudly proclaims the names of products. AYONAISE, BOTTER, COOOOKIES AND JUICY all sound so much more interesting as she triumphantly shouts out her latest discovery. Chicken and turkey have been dubbed ' BOK, BOK', this gets proclaimed with enthusiastic arm-flapping and is accompanied by what I presume to be her rendition of a poultry dance. Eggs also share this name but only because I, much to the dismay of my wife, refer to them as liquid chicken whenever possible.


Three quarters of an hour later, with loads of spontaneous greetings, high fives, touching of seemingly every product within reach and loud proclamations of said item's names, we finally left the supermarket. Barring the fact that these outings are a bit irritating and tire me out more than a really hard workout session ever would, they nonetheless never get boring and are definitely entertaining, at least if viewed from from the safe and comfortable confines of a few hours in the future.

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