• Oliver Messner

The Crap Kids Get Up To part 1

Every parent wishes they had clean, well mannered and attentive children. Basically little angels that do no wrong. Barring those people you meet that tell you about how their little Mozart is so well behaved, can do any number of things that most grown ups struggle with and is basically a pint sized genius, most parents are cursed to endure the embarrassing and sometime disgusting antics that their ankle biters get up to.

I'm going to go over some things that mine have done over the years. Such things are often laughed and joked about when viewed from a distance. Said distance preferably being months or years later, not here and now.

The embarrassing remark

I'm sure it's happened to a lot of folks. You're out and about with your kids, they point at someone and ask, never in a whisper, some silly question concerning, among other things, their weight, height, hair, clothing, visible scarring, the way they walk or talk and the list can go on and on. Always funny from the before mentioned distance but hardly humorous in the present.

The one that stands out the most for me, was during a quote that I was doing for an old client a few years back. The guys name was Solly, he was an senior citizen that I had known for years and an all round great guy. He was also a contender for the world's dumbest looking wig. The evening before, I had mentioned to my wife that I was off to see Solly. She couldn't immediately put a face to the name and I explained that it was the old man with the terribly bad wig, not thinking more of it.

The next morning I decided to take my daughter Kira with me as it was a Saturday and she had nothing else to do. After arriving at Solly's house, introducing my daughter and some small talk, he proceeded to show me what he wanted done at the property. All the while, Kira was quietly staring at the old man's hairline. I hadn't realized that she had heard the comment I had made the evening before but was getting a bit nervous nonetheless.

After another five minutes the inevitable happened, she promptly pointed at Solly' s head and proclaimed happily : 'My dad says that you've got a very bad wig'! ..........

Some smooth talking, quick thinking and apologizing on my part, I still got the job. Solly, being the great guy he was, even got a good laugh out of it. On the way home I calmly explained to my daughter the necessity of not repeating everything that dad says, which is basically the same as telling a river to stop running downhill.

I learned a valuable lesson that day and since then do a thorough, visual sweep of my surroundings before proceeding to make a dumb comment.

The restaurant debacle

Every now and then we liked to go out to a restaurant or bistro. With Mia being the little monster that she is, we have had to put a stop to that for now. We tried numerous times to go have a bite to eat at those places that have a playground attached and basically act as an oasis for the overwrought parent. A place where the kids can eat and then burn off some energy while the parents relax in blissful solitude, enjoying a cup of Joe while watching their kids run around and play from a safe distance.

Not so much the case with Mia. Not being capable of sitting still for any more than two minutes at a time, she promptly proceeds with any number of antics, chief among those are: screaming vehemently that she wants food, declaring loudly that, ' I no like it ', when the food arrives, dumping said food on the floor, trying to climb on the table, turning objects into projectiles and throwing them at people, even running up to other tables and taking the patrons food..... and the list goes on.

These outings usually end with me carrying el Demonio, kicking, screaming, hissing and spitting, out of whatever establishment we chose to terrorize with our presence. People tracking my retreat with huge disbelieving eyes and shaking heads. I can only hope that this will change as she gets older.


It always boggles my mind when things turn up in the oddest places. Anything from food, toys, articles of clothing ( especially socks), basically anything turns up and I never know what I'll find when I clean the house, the car or go over the garden.

I can't recall the times I've found half eaten cookie pieces in any number of places. They can pop up everywhere but mainly around, under or inside the couch, which I've come to think of as the actual cookie monster. The kids love to stash things, plain and simple. The more out of the way and random, the better.

Not too long ago I was messing around in the garden, took off my shoes and continued on barefoot. The girls were running around, doing their crazy I-got-ants-in-my-pants thing while I was busy taming my urban jungle. When I was done with whatever it was that I was doing, I proceeded to put my shoes back on, only to feel a squishy, slimy substance well up between my toes.... one of the girls thought my shoe was just the perfect spot to relocated a handful of garden snails to.

Disgusting and irritating, I do have to admit that the kids at least make sure that there's never a dull moment and defiantly keep me on my toes.

It would be great to hear what crazy things other people's kids get up.

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